I've been searching for blogs on surrogacy, and it has been so helpful to read the stories of those who have gone through this process and to see that they've been through the same things, felt the same feelings, had the same worries, concerns, joys, etc. It has really helped me cope with all that is going on and all that is to come. So, knowing that someone may stumble onto my blog when doing a search on blogs about surrogacy, I want to be honest and share not only the happy side of this process, but the things that aren't so fun either, so if those people are having the same struggles, they will know they are not alone, and that they will get through it.
So....the suckish side of all this is needles. I HATE (yes, I'm using the word HATE) needles. I have given birth to 5 children, and of course it's hard work, but I would rather give birth right now than to have bloodwork done. Seriously. I know that sounds silly, but it's true. Needles and I do not get along. I realize this is a mental phobia and something that I should be able to overcome, but that still hasn't happened for me yet. I'm creeped out for hours after having blood drawn. Just thinking about it makes me nauseous. I looked up the technical term for fear of needles, and found out it's called Trypanophobia. I read the defintion, and yep, I'm self-diagnosing myself with this condition. Now, I just need to find a cure.
Anyway, at the beginning of the surrogacy process, I figured there would be a blood draw or two involved- after all, I've been through this 5 times and suffered the 2 or 3 blood draws required with each pregnancy. And, I figured there might be an injection or two along with the embryo transfer, so I expected SOME needles. I wasn't happy about the idea, but it was expected, and I knew that I could do it. Well...imagine my surprise in July when I go to see my nurse for an appointment at Ohio Reproductive, expecting some news about how my cycles are matching up with the egg donor, finding out if we need to change pills or continue with the same ones, etc., and having her hand me a BOX of needles and medication, along with a folder of instructions. I don't remember much from that visit because my brain went into a state of shock, and I was trying to maintain emotion so that I didn't break down and look like a complete crazy person. I nodded and managed a smile before leaving. Luckily, my husband did most of the talking at that visit because I think he knew I was about to have an episode. We walked out of the office, got to the car, and I cried the entire hour long drive home. I didn't think I could do it. I'm gonna be honest, I wanted out at that very moment. I wanted to pack up and move on. Luckily, my husband remained calm and reminded me why we were doing all of this. He reminded me that the guys are counting on us. He told me to picture the end result, Marc and Michael holding their child in the hospital room and what a happy day that was going to be for all of us. He talked me into surpassing my panic and staying focused on the goal.
Luckily, I have many friends and relatives who work in the medical field and have experience giving injections. The nurse at Ohio Reproductive showed Craig how to give me the injections. Yea, that's not gonna happen. I need professionals with experience who have been trained. End of story. I'm so blessed that I have many of those people in my lives willing to let me bug them day and night to poke me and put up with me. The medication protocol started with daily shots of Lupron that I had to give myself each morning. I had to inject these into the fatty part of my stomach. I was really nervous about this the first time. I mean, c'mon, I hate needles when other people stick them in me, and you want me to stick myself? Ugh. So, the first attempt at this was probably comical if you were a fly on the wall. I paced in my bathroom holding the syringe full of lupron for about an hour. I would get ready to do it and then couldn't do it - over and over. Finally, I talked myself into doing it, and I was surprised to realize that it didn't hurt that much! I was very proud of myself. I decided that I got this! We are good to go.
Then, a couple of weeks go by and my nurse calls with instructions for starting the next injection that I'm going to do 2 times per week. One on Monday, and one on Thursday. These ones are intramuscular injections, and will be given in the hip, so these are the ones I need to go to my nurse friends to help me with. I went to my good friend Tammy for that first shot and it hurt, but I got through it, went home and sat on a heating pad for a few, and was good to go. I thought, OK, 2 times a week - I can do this too. I'm feeling much better about things at this point and starting to overcome my fear. I'm actually smiling and pleasant and not apprehensive when I have my friends do these injections anymore.
Then this week hit. My nurse calls. I'm starting to hate that phone number and I'm starting to call her nasty things when I hang up the phone. I no longer like her very much. She always has bad news about more needles. So, she tells me we have to now start daily injections each morning of another hormone. We have to continue the shots on M/Th as well so there are days that I will receive 2 injections. Yay! Alright, my patience is thinning, but I'll give it a go. I mean, I've done well so far, right? So, Wednesday I start on these AM shots. My school nurse gives me the shot, and it's fine. Doesn't bother me too much. It leaves a little more of a kind of knotish feeling that I need to rub a little for the next hour or so, but the pain goes away pretty quickly. So, yeah, it's annoying that it's daily, but I can do this too I think. One day at a time.
Yesterday was the day before our kid's first day of school. So much to do, getting bookbags ready, last minute shopping trip to get the things we forgot, getting everyone ready and in bed, excitement, etc. Then about 11pm it hits me - I had my school nurse do the morning shot, but I didn't do the M/Th pm shot. Completely forgot about it! So, my nurse has always told me just let her know first thing in the morning if there is a hiccup and we will get it fixed, no worries. So, I call her this morning and she says, no big deal, just get that shot this morning along with your other am shot. OK. So, I go to find my school nurse for my injections and she's not at school yet. Well, the kids are arriving soon, I have to get this done in the morning. What am I going to do? Well, there is someone who can do them for me. I'm not going to name names or even describe who it is because I'm sure she's a lovely person, but she will never come near me with a needle ever, ever, ever again. So, this person proceeds to give me my injections. One injection site bleeds so much afterwards that I need a papertowel to clean up the blood. That has never happened to me before. I usually don't even need a bandaid on the site. The other injection site doesn't bleed, but hurts terribly when she gives it. I check later in the day in the bathroom mirror to see that on each hip I have about a 3 inch wide black and blue bruise from these injections and they are sore! Then, that lady I'm starting to not like anymore calls me again after school for more instructions. Since the egg retrieval was yesterday and we are nearing the transfer, we need to up the hormone dosage. Yep, we all know what that means - more shots. Grrrrrrr. So, now she wants me to get an am and pm shot every day, plus continue the M/Th shot. She's pushing my limits. So, I whine to her about my bruised hips, she feels badly I can tell, and she's earning her money dealing with me already because I'm no picnic I'm sure. I'm never happy to hear from her. I bitch and moan everytime she gives me instructions. But, she's trying to be understanding, and I agree to try to be a good sport. So, that's where we are now. I get 2 injections each day starting tomorrow in my already bruised hips. Poor Debbie gets to give me my injections tomorrow. I'm going to buy my injection friends all gifts when this is over because they deserve them, let me tell ya! I'm grateful to have them, because they make this part of my journey bearable.
I'm looking forward to the end of shots and the beginning of carrying a perfect little bundle of joy for my friends. One shot at a time is my new mantra, and I'm making it through. I might be a little grouchy and aggitated (that might also be all the extra hormones) but, I WILL make it through! I have friends who have battled infertility and who have gone through countless blood draws, injections, tests, etc. and I have such an appreciation now for what they went through. Needles suck. :(
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