This has been a long journey and it feels strange coming to an end. I find myself picturing the events of the weekend - family and friends coming to see the girls, lots of smiles and happy tears, and then coming home to recover with my family, as the girls go home to bond with their Daddy and Papa and start their new lives as a family. I'm often asked if I'm worried that I'll have trouble with this. Will I miss them? Will I feel emotionally attached? Will it be hard to give birth to them and then watch them leave? I've asked myself these questions at various times both before and throughout the pregnancy to do an emotional well-check and see how I'm feeling. I am a baby person. I LOVE babies! Love, love, love! People know this, so they worry that I'll be too attached. I don't know honestly how I'll feel until I see them, but I know that I feel differently about these girls than I did carrying my own children. Of course, I feel a bond with them - they are living and growing inside me, but they are not my children. They did not come from me or my husband. I decided to enter this journey in order to help 2 friends realize their dream as parents, so that has always been my focus. I've always been excited to send them pictures, to call them after appointments, to share ultrasounds with them, to see their excitement at every stage of the pregnancy. It's a whole different situation than the pregnancies I had with my own children, where I'm shopping for little outfits and picking out names, and talking with my family about who they might look like, etc. It's a different kind of excitement. It's kind of like Christmas, I guess. The thing I love about Christmas isn't getting gifts. I love to get gifts, but that isn't what makes it special. I love Christmas because I love to see the smiles on my kids faces when they open just the thing they wanted and their eyes light up. I love to see someone open a gift you got them that you can tell is just perfect. It's such a great feeling to see that joy and to know that you helped create it. I'm looking forward to seeing that look on the faces of two men who I know I've found the perfect gift for! I'm sure I'll cry that day, and for days afterwards looking back on it. I'm sure I'll cry when they leave to go back to Atlanta. I'm sure I'll miss the girls. I'm sure we will always have a special connection. But I don't see myself being sad. I see myself excited for their family, and I know that we will remain connected. I am also so excited to get back to being an active mom and wife. My family has been so understanding and wonderful throughout this process, and I really look forward to spending time with them and getting back to our wondeful crazy life as it was.
I will tell you what I am nervous and scared about. I'm worried about blood clots, emergency c-sections, complications, and anything and everything that could go wrong. Have you seen this little cartoon:
That's me! So, I'm starting to worry about everything. I'm online too much researching problems. I'm trying to organize things so that if anything would happen to me, my husband would know who to contact about life insurance, and making sure that he and my kids know that I love them more than anything in the world. Yes, I get that anxious. I am trying to work in a little meditation, have talks with myself about being rational, etc. and I'm maintaining balance for now, but I wish I didn't stress so much about things that are out of my control.
I'm a little stressed too because even though we are set up for a vaginal delivery, it will take place in an OR, just in case an emergency c-section is required. So, that means only one person in the room with me. First of all, that stinks for the guys because I want them both to be in the room when the girls are born. Also, it stinks for me because I want my husband to be there to hold my hand and support me through labor and delivery. It's going to be painful and emotional, and he's good at getting me through that. I'm not looking forward to doing that without him beside me. So, I'm trying to make peace with that, and accept it before next week.
If you'd like to send your positive thoughts or prayers our way for a healthy and happy delivery, with no complications, and a happily ever after kind of experience, that would be awesome!
One more update next Thursday before the big day, and then the blog will be filled with more cute baby pictures than you can stand!
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